America to Duggars: Stop Breeding. Yesterday.

Springdale, Ark. January 12, 2089:

With the Duggar clan now well past its 60,000th member, Joshua Duggar (son of the famous Jim Bob Duggar) is lobbying for Congress to declare Duggaropolis an independent state, citing Constitutional clauses requireing 60,000 willing persons to petition for statehood. Jim Bob, featured on a TLC show at the turn of the century "17 kids and counting" set a precedent in his family for offensively high numbers of children, a trait he proudly passed on to his 18 children. Each of his 11 sons went on to marry, and raise equally large families of their own. His daughters also raised large families as well, but in the strict "Quiverfull" traditionalism of the Duggar clan, the daughters were all required to take their husbands' surname, though all descendents of the first Duggars, Jim Bob and Michelle, are taking part in the statehood petition.

Scientists marvel not only at the fertility of the Duggar clan, but at their amazing ability to not grasp the simple fundamentals of global overpopulation. "In poor countries, women have this many children, but because of malnutrition and disease, many children die," stated Dr. James Archin, a biochemist from University of California, Berkeley. "The women in the Third World have to have 13 children in order to ensure that a few may survive. In the case of the Duggars, all their children survived, all their grandchildren survived, and so on and so forth, and the family has really upset the balance of nature."

All told, Jim Bob Duggar had 18 children, 288 grandchildren, 4896 great-grandchildren, and 86,124 great-great-grandchildren. At this rate, approximately 240 Duggars are born each day in Arkansas (medical records showed 251 Duggars born the day before this printing). Joshua Duggar is arguing that the state of Arkansas can no longer suppor the infrastructure needed for the Duggar clan; only a new state run by the Duggars with all civic positions filled by the Duggars could do so effectively. "We'll run the state the way God tells us, just like how we have sex all the time and then marvel that God that got us pregnant...again..." Joshua Duggar said in an interview with the AP.

The average birth rate in the United States has declined since the turn of the century, and now stands at about 2.2 children per household. That differs from the Duggar clan, who estimate that since Jim Bob had his original 18 kids, the average Duggar has 16.9 children per household, seven times the national average.

Dr. Archin continues: "Unfortunately, the Duggars face a real threat of not being able to find spouses outside their own family to marry; when you need 88,000 spouses, that's hard to find. Especially if you don't travel much, as the Duggars don't." When asked if the Duggars could marry one another, Dr. Archin replied "They don't already?" Dr. Archin estimated that at their current rate, the Duggar clan will grow to 442 million in the next 40 years. By this time next century there will be 126 trillion Duggars. "That would imply the entire surface of all the land on earth is covered with Duggars standing shoulder to shoulder, stacked three Duggars high. The massive spread of Duggars on this planet would pose a greater threat than any other man-made cause in the last 200 years."

When asked to comment, Joshua Duggar smiled broadly, looked to the sky and replied "What a blessing from God that would be, for the Duggar family and for the world."


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