When the Bank of England Falls, England Falls

So Steve Jobs is sick, I guess. He's taken medical leave from his post as CEO of Apple. However I'd like to publish, for the record, my own theory on what happened to Steve.

Steve is actually a zombie. The facts all match up. In 2004 Steve was diagnosed with a malignant tumor in his pancreas, and at first tried alternative medicine and denied the need for surgery, much like all people with zombie-viruses try to hide their condition at first.

Then, I'd like to suggest, Steve died.

However, the people at Apple then resurrected him as a zombie, or he resurrected on his own, or whatever, because by 2006 he was back, giving the keynote speech at the Worldwide Developers Conference. Reporters wrote that Jobs seemed "listless, and gaunt", which is exactly how I would describe a zombie, wandering the streets of a city looking for live humans to eat.

Now I'm not the first person to realize that Jobs is a zombie. The editors at Bloomberg realized Jobs was an undead legion and published his obituary on August 28th, 2008. However, they were unable to determine the exact date that Jobs had died, and the left out mention of his resurrection as a worker of the underworld. Later, Jobs was spotted by faithful members of the Church of Apple, who failed to acknowledge the gaunt, haunted look of Jobs (and the human arm he was consuming) and demanded Bloomberg publish a retraction.

Spotted at the 2008 Apple event "Let's Rock", Jobs claimed his blood pressure was 110/70, although this was probably a cipher to other zombies around the world. The meaning is not known.

So why is Apple keeping this zombie alive, rather than releasing his soul? Well, for profit, obviously. The management of Apple know their companies' health is intimately tied to the health of Jobs, so they'll do whatever unholy act necessary to keep him in the spotlight.


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