Someday maybe I'll be a one-name name too.

This being the 40th TAE post, and 40 being a holy number (re: Noah), I figured I should write about something other than the economy today.

I got it! I'll make fun of celebrities! That's fun!

This past Sunday the Emmy awards were broadcast to record low ratings. Hollywood gives itself a collective pat on the back and America collectively responds with "who cares!"
I've long said that Hollywood (let's expand "Hollywood" to mean the entire entertainment industry) has more self-congratulatory banquets than any other trade or profession. Let me elucidate:

Let's pretend (work with me here) that Jessica Simpson was actually a good actress and good singer.
She makes a movie, and for the movie she gets an Oscar nomination at the Academy Awards. She also uses her singing prowess to record several songs on the official movie soundtrack. The soundtrack wins a Grammy, the single (songs are called singles in Hollywood because they acknowledge that for the most part...that ain't music) also wins a Grammy. Then, the movie wins a "popcorn bucket" at the MTV Movie Awards, then the album wins an Astronaut (or whatever it is) at the MTV video music awards. The music video for the single, which features clips of the movie interlaced with Jessica singing the song, also wins an astronaut trophy for "Best Video".
However the country music industry doesn't want to feel left out so they pick up a different single of Jessica's from the movie and drive it to the top of the charts. Jessica then wins big at the CMT awards, the ACM awards, and the CMA awards.
The movie is sufficiently popular to create a spin-off TV series, which is nominated for (but doesn't win) an Emmy award. The movie also spawns a live-theatre production of the music, adapted into a cute musical featuring a B-list actress in order to draw in revenue (see Katie Holmes). That musical gets nominated for a Tony award. Finally the movie and soundtrack disappear, to be replaced by the next media complex blitz.

The one movie (w/soundtrack) has garnished (yes I mean garnished)
An Oscar, 2 grammys, an MTV movie award, 2 MTV music awards, a CMT award, an ACM award, a CMA award, a Tony, an Emmy and though I didn't mention it, probably a SAG award.

Now the remarkable thing here is that I am probably underestimating the number of awards that would be given out, not to mention nominations that don't come to full fruition.

It constantly astounds me that the entire entertainment media complex is self-perpetuating and that they expect us to want to watch it happen. They create movies, play, musicals, etc., and expect us to watch them, then they vote for each other to win awards, and expect us to watch that, they write songs, and expect us to buy them, then vote for each other to win awards, and expect us to watch that. They want us to watch, watch, watch, but as soon as they are caught snorting cocaine, or making out with their ex-boyfriend, they throw up a red flag and say "you need to stop watching our every move!"
The whole system isn't unlike a fish tank, where the fish live in their own little microcosm, and we have but to stare in and watch and add a little food here and there to keep the fish happy.

Of course, the system would break down instantly if it weren't for 24-hour cable news channels. The ability to cover celebrity news round the clock has really opened up a new chapter in celebristalking. The news depends on celebrities to come give interviews and drive up ratings. The news depends on celebrities to be celebutarded so they can film it and drive up ratings. The professional athletes celebrities need the media to constantly cover them, so their negotiating power goes up and they can get higher contracts. Hollywood execs need the news so they can run ads and get people to come see the movie in sufficient numbers to pay the exorbitant amounts A-list actors think they're worth.
So when America collectively said "normally we'd love to help you stroke one another's egos, but tonight there's a great football game on" Sunday night during the Emmy's, of course it was all over the news this week. The entertainment-media complex won't stand for it! They need America to follow their every move, and as Academy Awards, Emmy Awards, and Grammy Awards ratings continue to slip, they grow more and more desperate.

Two years ago, in order to get viewers for their music awards show, MTV had to do something to get viewers to tune in. What ho! Britney Spears manages to land at rock-bottom, and rock-bottom happened to be stumbling around on stage in her undies looking half-drunk and mostly asleep. "Thank goodness," the MTV execs declared, "for that walking trainwreck!" This year, MTV faced the same problem: apathetic audiences, a mediocre record sales year, and lackluster commerical time sales for their awards show. Solution: Bring Back Britney! She has a new look, new album, new lease on life, new lack-of-child-custody. It was a win-win for MTV. Either Britney tanks - great television, or Britney triumphs - great television.
MTV heaped awards on Britney. Her video (as I've mentioned before) was absolutely mediocre compared to some other brilliant, brilliant works of art. Her song was forgettable, and well, she's come a long way since I was 19, and it has been invariably in the wrong direction. Every time Britney "gets her body back" she moves a little further and further away from human.

Anyway, the Emmy's didnt have a Britney this year. They don't have a Katy Perry singing anti-gay messages like MTV does. They don't have an Amy Winehouse doing drugs on 5th Avenue then beating the unholy hell out of her boyfriend and getting arrested. They just have their forgettable tv shows, and in a year when the writers' strike wiped out several months of potentially decent television, there was even less reason to cheer.

Besides, there was a great football game on. Featuring the Dallas Cowboys. Featuring Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo. Who is dating Jessica Simpson...